Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Every Secret to Making Money Online Revealed in One Post
This is a guest post by Jacquie McCarnan.
I am going to tell you every, single secret that all of those internet marketers are selling you in one, easy to read and understand blog post. (because frankly, you may not be that bright – especially if you’re reading Jordan’s blog for gems of money-making wisdom)
All the gurus hate me for doing this but I don’t care. I’ve spent about 300 million hours trolling the internet looking for a fix – just like that pain-in-the-ass crack addict who just covered your car window with dirty water and squeegied it off with his sleeve for a dollar.
If you’re anything like me, you’re baffled at the fact that there are so many people claiming to make a living while sitting at home in their pajamas. Maybe you’re really, really smart and are kicking yourself that you can’t figure this out alone. Or maybe you “think” your smart, but really you’re just too lazy to work out how to do it.
Of course, you’d able to figure it out if you were willing to pay for one of the 800,000 eBooks that all say the same thing. I’ll just tell you what those ebooks say. This could save you a ton of time and save your inbox from overflowing after you sign up to “get more info” on 30 or 40 sites that write great copy and suck you in. (if you e-mail me, I probably won’t see it because my inbox is jammed packed with people telling me I should get moving to make my first internet billion today!)
To be honest, I kind of resent these guys. They make these grandiose claims, sell you the book then try to sell you another and another. The best internet marketers are the ones with 30 or 40 products that they “special release” at various intervals. Information that you can’t live without and that you will end up begging them to sell you.
Secret #1 – Build your list.
I’m not joking! It’s so stupidly straight forward, but it’s what they will all tell you. Most of them will tell you this for free in 1000 words but then they’ll keep the “secrets” of how to build the list for the paid version of their $1997 mega product.
They’ll dangle that carrot in front of you daily because you opted in to receive more info. Every day you’ll get emails with titles like “[name], today is your lucky day!” or “Hey [name], you can make money in the next 30 minutes if you apply this new, amazing strategy that no one in the world knows but me!”.
This pisses me off. I get it that they’ve put some time and research into learning this stuff. I appreciate that they want to make cash online, but really? Everyone’s making money online by teaching others how to make money online. Doesn’t that sound stupid to you?
Of course, if you’re truly serious about making some money you’ll need to know a few more of the secrets. They’re pretty easy and, if you know where to look, you can find snippets of all of them for free.
Secret #2 – Create something to market.
Sounds simple but you’d be surprised. You may be flogging a product or want to push some affiliates. Whatever it is, you’re going to need to have a website and some landing pages. How to accomplish this? Just do a search, silly! Stop being so lazy. No one’s going to do it all for you.
Also, realize that hardly anyone will buy your product right away. That’s why you’ll need a secondary item like an eBook that you can flog for cheap, cheap, “can’t live without ’cause it’s so cheap”. (This is one of the big “secrets” that you usually pay $47 for.) By offering something super cheap, you can automate it and create a sweet sales funnel. Of course, your unsuspecting customers don’t realize this until you start pitching your expensive product to them 7 days later.
Secret #3 – Flog your blog.
Flog it and flog it hard. Build a page on Facebook, drive your friends to your blog, capture their e-mail address and auto-message them daily until the cows come home. (yes, be that jerk filling up everyone’s inbox!)
Join a bunch of groups on LinkedIn that share an interest in your product or service. If you’re with a wellness MLM, find others and join the group. There you can farm contacts and add them to your connections. (who cares if you know them?)
You’ve got to be on the Twitter, just like Betty White. It’s 100% necessary. Everyone is using Twitter and it’s the fastest growing social networking site online. Get a custom background, tweet tons and use Tweet Adder to target your market. (engagement? That’s for idiots who actually care about people!)
Secret #4 – Don’t quit.
Quitters are losers and losers never make a million dollars on the net. So what if you’ve put in 3 months and not made a dime? if you quit you’ll never make one. You have to be willing to put as much effort into it as you would any other business. Stop thinking that it’s like winning the lottery.
Of course, I really don’t believe you’ll actually accomplish anything with these secrets. Neither do all the other gurus. We just don’t want you to quit so we can continue bombarding you with “make money online” information products. That’s the biggest secret of them all.
For lots more of these “secrets”, check out Jacquie’s blog at socialmedia-canada.com or her primary business at bodybyvi-canada.com Either way, she’ll help even the newest of noobs.
Are You A Guest Blogging Backlink Bitch?
This is a guest post by Frank Angelone.
I’m sure you’ve guest posted on another blog before and I can guarantee the reason wasn’t because you wanted to share valuable information with a another blogger’s community. You just wanted to potentially interest some of their readers and hopefully, they will start becoming active readers of your blog.
There is a reason why we all put the by-line at the end of a guest post. We all want our links to be clicked! We don’t care about the post, all we want is to give you a reason to go to our site. It’s true. Admit it.
Jeez, we really are about self interest. We’re like kids whining in a candy store because Mom said she wasn’t buying anymore candy. If you think about it, our guest posts we write on other sites are the candy. We’re hoping Mom (the readers) will give in and buy more candy. In this case, clicking on our link.
If things don’t go our way, we look at our guest post as a failure just because we didn’t get an avalanche of traffic back to our blog. However, the post you did write received a lot of retweets and comments. What does that matter to you, right? The post wasn’t on your blog.
Can we say that guest posting is truly a genuine gesture?
I think we all know what it’s really about – helping to build credibility for you as a writer and what you do on your own blog. Come on, you didn’t actually think I asked Jordan if I could post on his blog because I wanted to connect with his readers, did you? I obviously want to try and get traffic to my site by use of my byline. (by the way, it’s at the bottom of this post. I made them bold and italicized so you won’t miss them. I was going to make them a 72 point font, but I thought that was pushing it.)
Although, since there are other readers on here who happen to find Jordan funny for some reason, I wanted to take my shot at writing a humorous blog post (which I’m probably failing miserably at by now) and connect with some of his readers. Anyway, I digress.
Guest blogging is really only successful when you write for people and have genuine conversations. Wishing for a pointless click back is not the way to go. Honestly, just because someone clicks the link back to your site, they may leave immediately after landing on your page. So let me clap my hands for you and that half a second that potential reader was on your blog.
I’ve always hear bloggers say, “write high quality content.” As true as this is, it won’t work if you’re writing like a robot. If you’re guest posting in an SEO zombie type manner, people will catch on to that quickly. You can be sure as shit they won’t want to click that link back to your blog.
Talk to people like they are people, not just someone living within the interwebs. I think many of us realize that too many bloggers are following a script when they write. It’s not genuine or real at all. There actually is, believe it or not, someone on the other side reading that post!
When it comes to guest posting, if you truly want to capture that readers attention, its going to take more than worrying about whether or not they click a stupid link to your blog. If that’s your only focus, you’re screwed.
For example, if you try to submit a guest post that’s garbage, its going to be rejected anyways. Go ahead and cry because the only person you’re hurting is yourself. The blogger you’re submitting to is going to check out your blog to get a better understanding of who you are, and if they reject your post because its crap, well guess what? You just hurt your own blog as well because you can be sure as shit you won’t be invited to guest post on that blog ever again.
Honestly, forget about the links and think more about the post and message you are trying to send. If people click that link back to your blog, you connected with them on some level. Once they have taken an interest in your writing, build upon that relationship. Most people tend to think after the one guest post, that’s it, you’re done. No, this is just the beginning. (I feel like I’m in a Lord of the Rings movie right now) Understand that you have the ring of power.
If you’re a poor writer, get better at it before you submit a guest post to a high profile blog. Please.
So, after reading all this bullshit and inspirational advice…
Do you believe that people are too obsessed with backlinks and residual traffic when it comes to guest posting?
Frank Angelone is a blogger going nowhere, but for some reason he still writes on SocialTechZone.com and offers the ability for his readers to subscribe, like a good blogger should. Not to mention, he wrote a blueprint on how to improve your computer performance that less than 50 people read. So, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to check it out, it’s free!
How To Write A Funny Blog Post
I’m going to try to sell you something in this post.
Something that you likely don’t really need, want or even care about. But I will still dress it up as if it’s the solution to all your problems.
Hopefully, this will hit some emotional nerve that will magically force you to make a rash decision you will later regret. But of course, you will keep that regret to yourself since it would expose you to the world as a total dumbass.
But you are. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for.
First I must mesmerize you with an eye catching headline.
One that addresses a key benefit of my product, yet greatly inflates the actual result you’ll achieve when applying it.
How about…
Explode your pathetic blog with a massive money shot of traffic splooge and make your reader’s balls fly off in an hysterical avalanche of gushing laugh juice!
Now that I have you hooked in, I have to find your pain point. Something you’ve been struggling with immensely that I can exploit for my own personal gain. Whether or not my product actually solves this problem is irrelevant.
I’m a marketer, not a miracle worker, right?
Have you ever woken up thinking that today will be the day you’ll finally end it all?
Are you tired of editing your suicide note with a new date, only to have to do it again the next day?
Do you know how to tie a noose like an expert but just don’t have a pipe high enough to hang yourself from?
Now that I’ve found the pain point of many of my readers (as you must be suicidal to come to my blog on a regular basis), I must now show why the remedy to all your failings as a human being is being kept from you. That I somehow have gained the super secret knowledge of the gods and will be revealing it to you against the better judgement of all of humanity.
Of course, you would think that I could profit more by keeping these secrets under lock and key using it only for my benefit. But my purpose is greater than that. In fact, I’m only sharing this mysticism because after releasing this product, I am retiring from the earth to the netherworld never to be seen again. That is, until version 2.0 comes out next year.
Yes, even though these are highly sensitive advanced secret techniques used by the gods, I must let you know that they’re as simple as shit. So simple, even your dumbass can do it.
In fact, it’s so easy that even the fake people in my testimonials could do it. C’mon, if fictional characters made up in my sadistic mind could accomplish these feats, it’ll be a piece of cake for you as a real person.
Learn the ancient art of writing funny gut-busting blog posts!
A foolproof system Greek philosophers have kept hidden on buried temple scrolls for 3000 years!
Translated for you in an simple 5-step blueprint even a comatose illiterate can understand and profit from!
Now that I’ve wet your appetite and given you a unnecessary sense of loss, it’s time to bombard you with social proof.
Somehow I have to show you the millions of people achieving unparalleled success with my super awesome blog post writing formula. This is supposed to make you feel more comfortable handing over your money, since if there are tons of other dumbasses who got duped, you won’t feel as bad when you see no results from this overpriced purchase.
Of course, I can’t use actual testimonials. There are none. The only e-mails I’ve received are from those who bought my products previously who have cursed the living shit out of me for producing such garbage. So I’ll just do a little creative editing to highlight the key parts of their correspondence that make my product seem awesome enough to cure cancer.
“I’ve made myself clear more than three times that I want my money back. Thanks for nothing, asshole. I can imagine you don’t give two shits, but by simply ignoring me, I’ll just continue following your scammy ass wherever you go so I can stick this blueprint up your fucking ass.”
Ok, now that you’ve seen a quote from one of my happy customers, it’s time to vomit out exactly what it is you’re going to waste your money on. This will always be displayed inside of what’s known as a “Johnson box”.
Why is it called this, you might ask? Well, it’s because it’s the point of the page where while you’re reading it, I’m sitting at home waving my big ass Johnson at you. All while laughing maniacally at how easily you can be persuaded to take an action simply by placing text inside of a square of dotted lines.
Learn the simple comedy writing techniques you can utilize in any niche!
This is an unedited and uncensored webinar recording of an interactive session explaining the basic framework of writing humorous blog posts. It’s the same valuable concepts & exercises I teach to aspiring comedians, but I’ve geared it specifically for bloggers who might want to add some “linkbait” potential to their posts.
But wait, there’s more! This is supposed to be where I show you 742 other valueless things you get included with this already worthless product. But I won’t bog you down with even more material you’ll fail to actually utilize since this was purely an impulse buy on your part from the get-go. I’ll do even better though. I’m going to double your order!
That’s right, folks. You will get two copies of this purely digital product. Yes, I know you can easily duplicate an mp4 file to your hearts content on your computer – but isn’t it always true that the copy never really lives up to the quality of the original? Now you can have one for your house… and one for your car!
Now that I’m coming to the end of my sales pitch, there’s only one way to wrap it all up. A big fat “add to cart” button.
Never mind the fact that I don’t sell any other products. Never mind the fact that there’s no other option to add any further things to your order. It may just be that my product is filled with just so much damn awesomeness that it’s the only item that can fit into your imaginary pointless virtual shopping cart.
Actually, it’s because if I ask you to “buy now”, then you might actually come to your senses that you don’t need this fucking thing at all. I want to make it as painless as possible for you to open up your wallet without you having to take real accountability for your actions.
Adding something to a cart sounds much friendly in nature as if you’re perusing the produce section at the supermarket. Little do you know how similar it is indeed, since you’re essentially paying for a lemon of a product.

P.S. - I didn’t forget the P.S. section of my sales pitch.
P.P.S. - This is where I remind you again of all the enormous non-value you’re going to get from my product.
P.P.P.S - This is where I make one last ditch attempt at convincing you not to click away.
P.P.P.P.S - At this point, you’ve clicked off this page so it doesn’t matter what I write here anyways.
P.P.P.P.P.S - Seriously, though. This is a real product. That part isn’t a joke. So please buy my shit!
The Blogger With The Biggest Dick Wins
A common aphorism is that “nice guys finish last.”
Typically used in the context of dating, it’s been seen countless times with women being drawn more towards the stereotypical “bad boy” while giving a perfectly polite, respectful & unselfish man the cold shoulder. The phrase has almost become a cult-like anthem of sensitive types to wallow in their own self-pity.
These lost souls go out on date after date and find themselves in the same position over and over again.
They bring flowers. They hold the door open. They choose a great restaurant and foot the bill. They even might have awesome conversation while walking down the boardwalk on a spectacular night.
After all of this, the women gives him a small peck on the cheek, a promise for a second date… and the next day fucks the guy with the biggest dick.
How many times have you heard women bemoan the fact there are no “nice guys” anymore, yet still get into relationships time and time again with complete assholes? Why? Even she doesn’t know. Maybe it’s what she thinks she wants, when all she might really truly want is a guy with a huge cock. It’s a means to an end. That’s it.
And so has this been the case for many bloggers.
You write blog posts every day. You engage with your audience. You elicit comments and respond promptly with appreciation. You network with others, support people and share the limelight without question. You put everyone else’s needs over your own on a regular basis.
Yet you’ve gotten absolutely nowhere. No money. No traffic. No success.
Although in contrast, you see countless others who don’t engage much, don’t respond to comments, don’t share many links and don’t seem to show any public appreciation whatsoever to their audience – and they have traffic numbers off the roof making 6 figures with their online business.
So you think to yourself “what the fuck is going on here?” You make a vow to combat this by out-caring everyone in your niche. You write even more blog posts. You start giving away even more content. You start webcasts, podcasts, live streams, Twitter chats, retweet clubs, guest posts, blog networks, link shares, contests, gift giveaways and everything you can possibly do outside of painting people’s houses.
That still gets you absolutely nowhere. No money. No traffic. No success.
Although in contrast, you see another blogger who doesn’t seem to do much offer a single free eBook and it ends up crashing his/her server, generating 500 retweets and 10,000 opt-ins. Everyone is talking about it. Everyone is applauding it.
And you’re still thinking to yourself “what the fuck is going on here?” How could it be that a nice guy like yourself gets kicked to the curb? How could it be that these apparent assholes have no problem attracting people and cashing in on it?
Because they’ve got a bigger dick. They have the goods. You don’t. You’ve got a pencil dick.
They don’t need to be sincere, cordial or even friendly because they have exactly what people really want. A product of value. The knowledge & comfort that it will hit the g-spot each and every time. That’s it.
Sure, many would prefer to deal with “nice guys”, but without having the huge cock in your pants to back up your exterior, it doesn’t matter. They’re going to fuck someone else. No matter how much they claim otherwise, it’s a means to an end.
So what can you do to enlarge your blogging penis?
Build something of real value. Vastly improve what you’re currently producing. Create something that’s so good, people will consume it regardless of how much you engage, solicit, comment, reply, share, promote or appreciate your audience.
Stroke it already and stop spending all your time playing with your balls.
Nice guys finish last. Those who can satisfy their readers’ true desires finish first. It’s possible to be both.
Top 10 Reasons To Attend BlogWorld Expo
BlogWorld Expo is right around the corner and bloggers from around the globe have been ramped up about the conference event of the year. If you’re not in the know, then where the hell have you been?
It’s time to crack open the piggy bank where you stored the $18 earned off your last eBook launch. Go ahead and pawn off your free Facebook ad coupons on eBay for $5 a piece. Start pushing your blog’s Adsense blocks to the max just to reach Google’s $100 payment threshold.
This is definitely not a conference to miss!
Besides coming to listen to your favorite bloggers drone on about how great they are while you take notes on things you’ve already known and failed to actually do yourself…
Here are ten more good reasons you need to be in Las Vegas for BlogWorld Expo:
10. The bright lights of the city. After you sit in on a day full of panel sessions about how people are totally and utterly oblivious to banner ads… flock with 500 other bloggers to the Carrot Top show only because of the 70 foot neon signs seen from a mile away.
9. Geo-location networking gone mad. Of course, you stupidly ask the cab driver how you can check-in to his taxi on Foursquare. Tip him only a buck just so he goes home thinking the “mayor” is a cheap ass.
8. Joint venture opportunities. Finally, you’re able to collaborate face-to-face with people about “awesome” projects and then totally forget who they are by the following week! Oh, and by the end of the conference, Chris Garrett has brokered enough JV deals that he owns 3 casinos and 14 strip joints.
7. Living it up in the lavish mega-hotels. In sweet internet marketing irony, noticing how the “make money online” bloggers all take penthouse rooms at the Luxor so they’re still on top of one huge pyramid.
6. Buzzwords, buzzwords and more buzzwords. Attend Scott Stratten’s exclusive interview session with legendary Las Vegas acts as he preaches for them to “stop performing, start engaging!” Siegfried & Roy mention how they tried that seven years ago and we all know how that turned out.
5. Picking up hot blogger chicks. Never mind the fact that you’re an awkward introvert and your best attempt at a pick up line is “Girl, I know your fingers must be tired, ’cause you’ve been commenting on my posts all day.”
4. The convention exhibition hall. Walk up and down the aisles and watch two-bit salesmen peddle you wares. Get a hands-on demonstration of a new website that let’s you share content across 45 different platforms. Get another demo of a new Wordpress plugin that let’s you share content across 74 different social networks. Get yet another pitch of a pre-release beta Android app that let’s you share content across 168 different sites… from your phone! Then tell all your friends about them everywhere on Ping.fm.
3. Rabid social media groupies. Have fun watching them run down the Las Vegas strip asking bystanders if they know where Chris Brogan is hanging out. Then laugh hysterically when these tourists (and 99% of the population) respond back with the honest retort of “who the fuck is Chris Brogan?”
2. The gambling, of course! Pull up a seat at the blackjack table next to Darren Rowse and watch him conduct important “research” on the new edition of his 31DBBB eBook: 31 Drinks To Become Broke Betting.
1. Me. I’ll be at BlogWorld Expo in Las Vegas from October 14-16 speaking on the unsanctioned milk crate panel in the Mandalay Bay lobby. (that is, until security kicks us out) My talk is about how anyone can speak at conferences even if no one gives a flying fuck about you whatsoever. Consider it a free bonus included in the cost of your conference ticket!
Or don’t. It doesn’t matter. I’m just going to see Carrot Top.
You’re NOT Only As Good As Your Last Blog Post
I’m not sure if I’m spoiling the illusion for you, but stand-up comedians don’t write new jokes for every performance. In fact, most rarely update their acts much at all over the course of a year. Sure, we’ll tweak and tinker with a few things, yet fresh brand spanking new material is kind of a “zen” experience that doesn’t happen too often.
Maybe a comic will come out with 10 solid polished minutes of laughs after a year of hard work testing it on stage. (writers like Louis C.K. who can churn out a full hour in this time frame are the very rare exceptions)
When you see an unknown, but professional comedian at a local comedy club, you’re likely getting the “best of” medley of his entire career. Unless you happen to have stumbled upon clips on the internet or have seen him before, you don’t really know when that hilarious joke you just laughed at was written, do you?
It could have been something he jotted down on a cocktail napkin just the night before. It could have been something honed, tested and perfected almost 15 years ago. As an audience member, there’s really no way of knowing for sure.
But does it even matter?
‘New’ and ‘latest’ are always relative terms.
As a comedian, why on earth would I ever choose not to do my very best on stage? Imagine if I walked in front of the microphone and told people “this is just the latest 45 minutes of material I’ve written, let’s see how it turns out!” Do you think that would play over very well? Of course it wouldn’t. The audience doesn’t care when I wrote my material. As long as it’s relevant and new to them, that’s all that’s required.
Yes, getting rid of that bit about the Monica Lewinsky scandal would likely be prudent.
Yes, retiring that two-minute chunk about the “Where’s the beef?” commercial is more than a good idea.
But, leading your comedy set with a general ‘driving in traffic’ joke – why not, even if you wrote it 12 years ago?
Are we structuring our blogs to showcase the ‘latest’ and not the ‘greatest’?
Back in the day, when blogs were primarily used for personal online journaling, I can understand why they would be organized in a chronological fashion. The purpose was indeed to chronicle someone’s life, so without a time-based linear structure, it wouldn’t make much logical sense to readers. That type of endeavor was essentially a single person writing a “story” and blog posts were like new chapters of their life’s “book”.
But how many bloggers out there are using their platform like the good ol’ days? At least from the thousands of blogs I subscribe to or read every day, this number is very small. Most of them are writing and producing pillar resources as content marketing for a business. So why are they still stuck in the antiquated model of displaying posts from newest to oldest?
Maybe your 73rd post is the best sample of your writing. Maybe your 114th post is a great lead generation tool. Maybe that five-part series you did last year is a better resource that many paid products available on the market right now?
Yet barely anyone is looking at them.
They’re buried in your archives collecting dust. No matter how many times you interlink posts, display a “popular” post widget, create a showcase page and so forth, the most visible work on your blog will always be whatever the “latest” thing you’ve put there. It’s your own damn fault, though. You’re still stuck in the mindset that a “blog” somehow has been divinely ordained to be displayed in chronological order. Why is this so?
Wouldn’t you want your first impression to be the best you can possibly make it?
Tell me this right now: If you had the choice of what post you’d like them to read first – is it currently the first thing someone sees when hitting your root index page? Probably not, right? Then change that.
I’m not only as good as my last blog post and neither are you. Everything I produce on my blog adds to an overall body of work. Some posts are good. Some not so much. Some are downright amazing. Although I will be judged by all of my creation, I choose to lead with my brilliance, not with my filler.
Your blog isn’t just a series of 800 word writings in a hodgepodge order. But that’s what it looks like now.
Nor is a comedian’s act just a series of 30 second jokes told in order by date. But that’s what your blog is now.
What are you doing to change this perception? How are you giving your best work the spotlight it deserves?
I’ll give it a shot.



