In my recent consulting with several comedians looking to build an online presence, I’ve heard three of them utter virtually the same exact line to me when talking about goals:

“I want to get a million views on YouTube.”

With all excitement in their eyes, hoping that I can unveil the magic bullet secret to achieving the success they’re shooting for, I gave them practically a 180 degree answer that throws them for a total loop:

“I don’t know about you, but my landlord doesn’t take YouTube hits for rent.”

Sure, it may make you feel all warm inside when your stupid video goes “viral” and amasses 600,000 views in a week. But that and a $1.50 buys you a cup of coffee.

Even if you’re not a comedian or not utilizing video, you can easily substitute website traffic in its place. Every time I hear people feverishly asking how to get more traffic, more eyeballs, more tweets, more Facebook likes, I put my head in my hands and give out a disgusted sigh. Why? Because unless you have a means to convert whatever you’re doing into money, then what does it matter?

Whenever I follow up this deer-in-the-headlights conversation with someone, it always comes back to one thing: a business model.

What exactly is your plan for earning income from people, not viewers?
Are you selling something directly? (a product, DVD, eBook, etc.)
Are you leveraging exposure for indirect income opportunities? (live performances, consulting gigs, etc.)

Inevitably, the conversation turns to the ad-based model of monetization. I don’t know how people estimate the income made on a typical CPM basis without having any experience with it, but all I know is that 99.9% of who I speak to grossly overestimate it – as if these viral video sensations are pulling in $10k a day from overlays, text link ads and so forth. I’ve been a YouTube partner and know others who are as well – and one single video with a million views will barely pay for a night’s dinner for two.

One comedian I’m friends with here in Louisville actually has a bunch of YouTube videos with a 6-7 figure viewership and consistently publishes content that hits 5 figures easily. And I find it completely ridiculous when he calls me up excited about the $9 he made today, $17 yesterday and $300 approximate expected earnings for the month. This is what I told him, pretty much:

“Dude, you got over a million individual people to watch you this month. Don’t you think 300 lousy bucks in return is total shit for that amount of exposure and attention? You get paid 5-10 times that for one 45 minute live performance in front of a hundred people – and you sell a DVD to 5% of them for $20 afterwards…”

“…now superimpose that to your YouTube channel. You perform at a comedy club knowing that some of the people there will buy your DVD, right? But imagine that instead of 200 people being there, you have a MILLION butts in those seats. How much money would you make off of DVD sales then? Probably so much that you’d be happy to do the gig itself for absolutely free. So why the hell are you getting so excited about making $300 after performing virtually in front of that many people?”

And that there is the point. There’s no purpose in generating traffic without the means of converting eyeballs into dollars.

Ad-based income streams usually need a lot of traffic for a good living.
Direct sales income need as much traffic as compared to your price point/markup.
Indirect income streams usually don’t need much traffic whatsoever.

Could your online presence be something you’re building up to monetize? Sure – but have a fucking plan. Your exact business model will determine how much traffic you’d need to reach your goals. You may find that a bajillion hits is unnecessary – and even if you get that much, remember that they alone don’t pay the bills.

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Don't just be a curmudgeon who spews cynicism and nothing else - but be someone who can actually offer solutions and add value to the conversation. ~ Jordan Cooper

This is taken from an interview I did for the E-Junkie blog published today. (a service I highly recommend, especially for only $5 a month, how could you go wrong?)

You can read more of my “wisdom” there and get a glimpse into how and why I started this blog in the first place:

Interview With Jordan Cooper, Hilarious Stand-up Comedian and An Incredible Blogger

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A common aphorism is that “nice guys finish last.”

Typically used in the context of dating, it’s been seen countless times with women being drawn more towards the stereotypical “bad boy” while giving a perfectly polite, respectful & unselfish man the cold shoulder. The phrase has almost become a cult-like anthem of sensitive types to wallow in their own self-pity.

These lost souls go out on date after date and find themselves in the same position over and over again.

They bring flowers. They hold the door open. They choose a great restaurant and foot the bill. They even might have awesome conversation while walking down the boardwalk on a spectacular night.

After all of this, the women gives him a small peck on the cheek, a promise for a second date… and the next day fucks the guy with the biggest dick.

How many times have you heard women bemoan the fact there are no “nice guys” anymore, yet still get into relationships time and time again with complete assholes? Why? Even she doesn’t know. Maybe it’s what she thinks she wants, when all she might really truly want is a guy with a huge cock. It’s a means to an end. That’s it.

And so has this been the case for many bloggers.

You write blog posts every day. You engage with your audience. You elicit comments and respond promptly with appreciation. You network with others, support people and share the limelight without question. You put everyone else’s needs over your own on a regular basis.

Yet you’ve gotten absolutely nowhere. No money. No traffic. No success.

Although in contrast, you see countless others who don’t engage much, don’t respond to comments, don’t share many links and don’t seem to show any public appreciation whatsoever to their audience – and they have traffic numbers off the roof making 6 figures with their online business.

So you think to yourself “what the fuck is going on here?” You make a vow to combat this by out-caring everyone in your niche. You write even more blog posts. You start giving away even more content. You start webcasts, podcasts, live streams, Twitter chats, retweet clubs, guest posts, blog networks, link shares, contests, gift giveaways and everything you can possibly do outside of painting people’s houses.

That still gets you absolutely nowhere. No money. No traffic. No success.

Although in contrast, you see another blogger who doesn’t seem to do much offer a single free eBook and it ends up crashing his/her server, generating 500 retweets and 10,000 opt-ins. Everyone is talking about it. Everyone is applauding it.

And you’re still thinking to yourself “what the fuck is going on here?” How could it be that a nice guy like yourself gets kicked to the curb? How could it be that these apparent assholes have no problem attracting people and cashing in on it?

Because they’ve got a bigger dick. They have the goods. You don’t. You’ve got a pencil dick.

They don’t need to be sincere, cordial or even friendly because they have exactly what people really want. A product of value. The knowledge & comfort that it will hit the g-spot each and every time. That’s it.

Sure, many would prefer to deal with “nice guys”, but without having the huge cock in your pants to back up your exterior, it doesn’t matter. They’re going to fuck someone else. No matter how much they claim otherwise, it’s a means to an end.

So what can you do to enlarge your blogging penis?

Build something of real value. Vastly improve what you’re currently producing. Create something that’s so good, people will consume it regardless of how much you engage, solicit, comment, reply, share, promote or appreciate your audience.

Stroke it already and stop spending all your time playing with your balls.

Nice guys finish last. Those who can satisfy their readers’ true desires finish first. It’s possible to be both.

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BlogWorld Expo is right around the corner and bloggers from around the globe have been ramped up about the conference event of the year. If you’re not in the know, then where the hell have you been?

It’s time to crack open the piggy bank where you stored the $18 earned off your last eBook launch. Go ahead and pawn off your free Facebook ad coupons on eBay for $5 a piece. Start pushing your blog’s Adsense blocks to the max just to reach Google’s $100 payment threshold.

This is definitely not a conference to miss!

Besides coming to listen to your favorite bloggers drone on about how great they are while you take notes on things you’ve already known and failed to actually do yourself…

Here are ten more good reasons you need to be in Las Vegas for BlogWorld Expo:

10. The bright lights of the city. After you sit in on a day full of panel sessions about how people are totally and utterly oblivious to banner ads… flock with 500 other bloggers to the Carrot Top show only because of the 70 foot neon signs seen from a mile away.

9. Geo-location networking gone mad. Of course, you stupidly ask the cab driver how you can check-in to his taxi on Foursquare. Tip him only a buck just so he goes home thinking the “mayor” is a cheap ass.

8. Joint venture opportunities. Finally, you’re able to collaborate face-to-face with people about “awesome” projects and then totally forget who they are by the following week! Oh, and by the end of the conference, Chris Garrett has brokered enough JV deals that he owns 3 casinos and 14 strip joints.

7. Living it up in the lavish mega-hotels. In sweet internet marketing irony, noticing how the “make money online” bloggers all take penthouse rooms at the Luxor so they’re still on top of one huge pyramid.

6. Buzzwords, buzzwords and more buzzwords. Attend Scott Stratten’s exclusive interview session with legendary Las Vegas acts as he preaches for them to “stop performing, start engaging!” Siegfried & Roy mention how they tried that seven years ago and we all know how that turned out.

5. Picking up hot blogger chicks. Never mind the fact that you’re an awkward introvert and your best attempt at a pick up line is “Girl, I know your fingers must be tired, ’cause you’ve been commenting on my posts all day.”

4. The convention exhibition hall. Walk up and down the aisles and watch two-bit salesmen peddle you wares. Get a hands-on demonstration of a new website that let’s you share content across 45 different platforms. Get another demo of a new WordPress plugin that let’s you share content across 74 different social networks. Get yet another pitch of a pre-release beta Android app that let’s you share content across 168 different sites… from your phone! Then tell all your friends about them everywhere on Ping.fm.

3. Rabid social media groupies. Have fun watching them run down the Las Vegas strip asking bystanders if they know where Chris Brogan is hanging out. Then laugh hysterically when these tourists (and 99% of the population) respond back with the honest retort of “who the fuck is Chris Brogan?”

2. The gambling, of course! Pull up a seat at the blackjack table next to Darren Rowse and watch him conduct important “research” on the new edition of his 31DBBB eBook: 31 Drinks To Become Broke Betting.

1. Me. I’ll be at BlogWorld Expo in Las Vegas from October 14-16 speaking on the unsanctioned milk crate panel in the Mandalay Bay lobby. (that is, until security kicks us out) My talk is about how anyone can speak at conferences even if no one gives a flying fuck about you whatsoever. Consider it a free bonus included in the cost of your conference ticket!

Or don’t. It doesn’t matter. I’m just going to see Carrot Top.

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Hanging Out: to socialize with your friends, whether it is of your choosing or not; most of the time the term is used to refer to a type of fun.

After the initial allure wears off, we all come to the realization that it is indeed hard work to succeed as a blogger. We start focusing more on serious business-building efforts, putting in long hours to create helpful content that inspires others to seek us out.

Our to-do list keeps growing exponentially as more ideas pour out from our minds. We attack each task with a sharp knife, inching closer to what we perceive as the holy grail.

Getting our hands dirty, we promote our work hardcore using tools to spread the word and position ourselves in a market. Never passing up a networking opportunity, we vigorously attempt to connect with anyone that takes a glance at us and rush to influencers at the slightest chance to get our names in front of their eyes.

In the process, are we missing out on opportunities simply because we’re too focused on the work at hand?

Relax. Loosen up. Take a break. Open your Twitter client. Spend some time on Facebook or Linkedin. See what others are doing. Not even when it comes to business, but as real people with real lives. Talk. Interact. Joke around. This is what truly bonds people together and helps build relationships. Not talking ‘shop’. Not incessant self-promotion. Not the bottom line.

You can very well make the same impact on someone simply by sharing a common interest outside of business. You can get your “big break” simply stemming from being the person who’s enjoyable to ‘chill’ with.

In a world where so many people can be connected to one another easily, the ability to network has never been more important than it is right now. How are you taking advantage of the opportunity to make an impact? Simply using the tools for work, work, work like most are? Or can you make yourself stand out more by connecting with others as real people?

Put away the business proposal. I’m not interested.

Put away your latest published book. I’m not interested.

Put away everything. Let’s just hang out. Who’s with me?

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