Ever since the tragic events last week in Japan, I’ve read a ton of blog posts and tweets from companies who are “donating” to the rescue/rebuilding efforts there.

In no way would I ever scoff at the notion of charity, but almost every single one of these glorified PR releases has a social media-enabled “condition” to pledge.

For every “like” on our Facebook page will we donate…
All of our proceeds the next week from our iOS app…
If we get over 1000 tweets of the message we will…

Go fuck yourselves. This is so unbelievably disgusting, it defies every bone in my body not to fly to each and every office of these companies and kick someone in the nuts.

Well, what if you don’t get X amount of likes/tweets?
What if you don’t sell any widgets, apps or piece-of-shit products?
Are you just going to sign a fat check of $0 and send that to Japan?

As Ben Paddon proclaims on his watchdog-like gaming journalism blog:

So let me get this straight – your company has up to $25,000 earmarked for donation to the Red Cross to go directly to aid Japan, but you’re only going to give them the money if a sufficient quantity of people “Like” you on Facebook? Do you not think it’s a little, I don’t know, fucking douchey to try and use a catastrophic natural disaster to selfishly promote your shitty game company?

If you’ve got the money set aside for the Red Cross, just fucking give it to them. Promising to only give any it to charity on the proviso that people pay attention to your Facebook page is fucking despicable.

I get the PR play, though. It looks like your business is actually “human” to give to charities and pulls at the hearts of potential and existing customers alike. I get it. Most of them are probably sincere gestures. I don’t doubt that.

The companies also likely think naively that adding that social media activation and “going viral” will primarily get more people to donate to the cause – and not in any way is designed to raise the brand, profile and top-of-mind of said company to move more goods/services they offer. But it sure looks like that.

Instead of adding a caveat, just donate the fucking money. Send out a press release. Pat yourselves on the backs. Watch your community give a big thumbs up to you. Surely, that’s the goal. So why extort the shit out of them in the process?

For every comment that disagrees with me, I’m donating $1 to the Red Cross.

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So, I haven’t posted here on the blog in 4 days.

Wait for it… Wait for it!

I’m incredibly sorry and apologize to all my 12 readers, but I’ve been…

Hold on, it doesn’t even matter. You probably haven’t noticed any difference, right?

For all you know, I did write three blog posts over the weekend – but you scrolled right past it in your RSS reader. Boy, I definitely would sound quite arrogant if I professed my heartfelt apologies thinking I was somehow an integral part of your life.

Actually, I should be the one upset.

How important are you that I can disappear for a whole 4 days in between posts and you don’t even bat an eye. How egotistical and uncaring of you! Am I just some circus monkey to you – performing tricks for your amusement only worth giving two craps about for 30 seconds a day as you leisurely skim through my hard work? You should be the one apologizing to me!

Wait a second… this may be the first time you’ve visited my blog. In that case, I obviously can’t blame you for failing to check up on me. I apologize for berating you in the above paragraph.

Actually, what am I saying? I’m not sorry at all.

The fact it’s taken you 3 months to find my blog shows how utterly full of yourself you are. You’re the overlord of the kingdom and I’m the peon slaving away pumping out content for chump change. Obviously, you have so many more important things to do than waste 30 seconds of your day to acknowledge a peasant. Really, I should be sucking up and kissing your feet, master, as I should be honored to have the privilege of your attention!

Damn, I’m really glad I didn’t write one of those posts apologizing to my readers for no reason.

I’m not sorry. You’re not sorry. Let’s deal with it!

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I’m too lazy to write a blog post today.

Frankly, I’ve just been too busy.

Over the weekend, I brokered several joint venture deals, spoke at 34 different conferences, had 107 coaching calls, set up WordPress blogs for the entire nation of Burkina Faso and conducted a 15-hour webinar on the subject of brevity.

Ok, who am I kidding?

I obviously spent countless hours on Twitter while checking my blog stats every three minutes. Do you realize how much work it takes to talk about all the great things you’re planning while never actually doing it? It’s exhausting!

That’s why I’m leaving the job to you.

Let me know your thoughts on whatever niche this blog is about.

Let me know your thoughts on thoughts.

Share you experience with thoughts or your thoughts on experiences.

What makes thoughts thoughtful, anyways?

Can you really experience a thought without experience?

Let me experience your thoughts by leaving a comment.

Comment on other people’s experiences by sharing something thoughtful.

You don’t need experience to share a comment, in case you thought about that.

Share our thoughts with other others so they can get experience commenting on shared thoughts and provide experience sharing comments as a thoughtful experience.

Don’t you think that’s a good thought? Share!

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Bloggers are inherently self-made entrepreneurs – rogue entities living the internet lifestyle on their own island. Loving the ability to succeed completely on our own, it’s important though to admit that help may be needed to reach our goals. If you’re willing to do this, maybe you’re the perfect candidate to build a powerful blogging alliance.

At this point, you must think I’m crazy to suggest that you don’t know it all. You’ve been blogging for a whole 5 weeks, so you obviously have all the answers already.

Why would you want to collaborate with competitors in your field?

Of course you don’t. It would be silly to actually help your mortal foes. I’m not suggesting that whatsoever. What I am implying is that you start a blogging alliance as a well-disguised ploy for purposes of espionage. Just like the famous Sun Tzu quote:

“Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

So form this “alliance” based on trust… and then use that to your advantage. Find a handful of blogging competitors on the cusp of attaining success and reel them in. At the start, help them out with tidbits of useful advice. Visit their blogs, comment and contribute. Make it seem like you actually care, you know? Of course, you don’t really care – but your goal is to earn their respect. Once they value your opinion almost more than their own, you’ve got them!

After this tipping point is reached inside this “alliance”, you now have the opportunity to chip away at your competitors. Exploit their gullible little minds by passing off the worst advice and incorrect information as gold.

Show them why it’s a great idea to have 146 widgets active on their sidebar. Convince them that e-mail marketing is highly overrated and they should focus on getting thousands of Twitter followers (even offer your $97 service to do just that!). Tell them how beneficial it would be to rank high for tasteless asian bondage porn. Be as nefarious as possible. Whatever you can do to derail their success, it will benefit you!

What types of bloggers should be part of your alliance?

A-Listers: These bloggers are the cream of the crop in your niche.

You fawn over them and their success constantly. Although they will be impervious at your attempts to corrupt them in your “alliance” scheme, it will be imperative to have at least one vouch for your credibility. Invite them in for a chat for a few minutes. The rest of your group will hang on every single word they say – so giving them an impression that you’re “cool in their books” will earn you much needed trust very quickly.

B-Listers: These bloggers are those that appear successful to you, but really aren’t.

You see them guest posting on major blogs. They release products seemingly every month. It looks like they’re indeed making a full-time living blogging – but they’re nothing more than hype. Exploit their “fame” for your own selfish purposes. They’re going to be much more accessible since their latest e-course only has 3 paid students.

How do you usurp them? Weasel your way into as many joint ventures with these bloggers as you can… then use that leverage to step on their heads, leaving them behind in your wake. There’s only room for one spot at the top, so why share the spotlight whatsoever?

C-Listers: The level where you think you reside, but your 7 subscribers say otherwise.

These bloggers will make up a bulk of your alliance. Other like-minded individuals with the same philosophies, goals, strategies and methods as yourself. These similarities and compatibilities are the reason why you need to quash their rise up the ladder. Your niche is saturated as it is – so, who needs people embarking in the same optimal techniques that you’ve figured out? They’re standing in your way!

Slowly veer them off track, rationally question the effectiveness of their methods and eventually you’ll steer them into the direction of impending failure. Of course, you’ll be smart and keep plodding away using the original agreed-upon avenues while your “alliance” competitors are bogged down for weeks utilizing worthless tactics.

D-Listers: Bloggers who are actually making money, but you scoff at their niche.

These are niche bloggers that write about anything from video games to college lifestyle tips to vegetable gardening. Many are making quite a good chunk of change doing what they do, but you laughably put aside that notion in your head. You blog about blogging – you’re supposed to be the expert at it, so what they hell do they know?

Look to recruit a few of these saps (if you can get your head out of the self-important echo chamber of meta-blogging) who believe you have some hidden insight. All the while, secretly learn how they’re actually able to pull off making money when you can’t. Of course, keep these secrets to yourself.

F-Listers: These are bloggers who have no clue, but they suck up to you.

“In the valley of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” Well, these bloggers are deaf, dumb and blind. Somehow you’ve been able to leave a positive impression on them as an authority – even if it’s just because you can spell “HTML” and they can’t. Unbelievably, they’ve bought into the hype that blogging about blogging can actually make you money – which, of course, is exactly what you got duped into thinking!

Exploit their fragile minds by molding their beliefs around strategies and methods that are obviously counterproductive. Denounce the importance of Google. Proclaim Friend Feed is where it’s at. Trust me, they’ll buy into anything you say no matter how absurd. These are the people who will pave the way for a new generation of meta-bloggers, so why not skew as many as you can in promoting the worst advice possible to others? This will help you out exponentially as the amount of useless content spreads to even greener bloggers entering the niche. The cycle will go on and on as you reach for glory!

What is the ultimate goal of having a blogging alliance?

You’re not smart. You have no talent. You can’t achieve anything on your own accord. The only way you have any chance at success is to knock others off their pedestal, keep the rest down, influence the masses to choose the wrong path and step on anyone that gets in your way. Living off your relative value in comparison to others is the foundation of your business model. As more and more default to failure, your mediocre abilities will shine above them all.

But first, coming full circle, you must admit you need help. Oh, not from those that can be “in” on your evil plot – but those who are gullible enough to believe creating a useful community to network, share & help each other is actually a good idea. What fools!

Get ahead by building a powerful blogging alliance today.

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“The customer is always right.”

It’s a business cliche that has been around for ages. While it’s debatable whether the accuracy of this exact statement is true, it definitely highlights an omnipresent point that cannot be refuted. Your customers are your business. Without them, you’d be out of business.

It’s a no-brainer that any business or anyone involved with making money should treat their customers like gold. They’re the ones paying your bills, feeding your family and hopefully, maintaining your comfortable lifestyle. There’s no question it’s important to care for them, nurture them, provide support, foster a relationship, communicate and establish a continued positive environment for them to purchase in the future. I think we all understand this… but this begs the question, just who exactly are your customers?

To get clarification and answer this simple question, I did a quick search on Google for the definition of the word “customer”. Here is just a sample of the results:

Customer – a person who buys.

Customer – one that purchases a commodity or service.

Customer – a person who purchases goods or services from another.

Customer – one that buys goods or services.

Customer – one who purchases or receives a product or service from a business or merchant.

What is the one thing all these definitions have in common? A customer is one that buys something. If you even want to broaden the scope a bit more: a customer is someone in which a business makes money from in a transaction.

Your blog readers are NOT your customers.

Sure, maybe some of them are. Maybe some will turn into customers. Maybe some never will. But just because someone is reading your blog, it doesn’t automatically make them a customer.

It also really depends on your business model. Are you even selling any product or service? If so, are the bulk of your blog readers part of the target market and demographic you’re even selling to? If you have nothing available to purchase, then how could anyone you encounter even be considered a customer?

Your peers are NOT your customers.

Sure, maybe one or two may buy something from you – that is, if it fits a very important need for them and you’re an expert on the subject. Otherwise, they will most probably never purchase anything and make you any money directly.

Peers are business associates. Peers will likely visit your blog quite often. They’re great to have as a resource for help, support and future business opportunities. It’s definitely a good idea to foster a good relationship with them, but when it all boils down – they’re not your customers.

Your friends, followers and fans are NOT your customers.

Sure, many of them can be. It’s quite possible a whole bunch may have bought something from you or will in the future. But out of the hundreds, thousands or even more “followers” you have (many of which are faceless names, non-engaging types or downright spam automatons) – what percentage of them are truly buyers?

Platforms like Twitter and Facebook are an absolute must for any business to get the pulse of the market. There’s a definite benefit in engaging with the community centered around your niche, but it is just that: a social network. It’s not necessarily your consumer base. Just because someone retweeted you, @replied, posted on your wall or gave you a “poke” – that doesn’t automatically make them a customer.

Pay attention to everyone, but focus more on your customers.

Everyone repeat these three words with me. This. Is. Business.

If you’re looking to make money online through your blog, it’s imperative that you really grasp this concept well. You’re creating and maintaining a business. You want to make money. There’s nothing evil about this! It’s just cold hard facts. Everything you do should lead towards to your ultimate goals. Prioritize accordingly.

Should you try to reply to e-mails in a timely manner regardless of who it’s from? Sure.

Should you make it a point to thank those who help promote your business? Absolutely.

Should you encourage discussion within your community and on your blog? Of course.

But when it comes down to business, real dollars and tangible, sellable assets… the actual customers, whoever and wherever they happen to be, should always be at the forefront of your attention. No questions asked.

Not readers. Not peers. Not followers. Not fans. But customers.

Repeat those three words again. This. Is. Business.

Maybe after hearing the cliche of “the customer is always right” being used time and time again, we should update it to a more accurate 2010 version: the customer is always first.

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Hanging Out: to socialize with your friends, whether it is of your choosing or not; most of the time the term is used to refer to a type of fun.

After the initial allure wears off, we all come to the realization that it is indeed hard work to succeed as a blogger. We start focusing more on serious business-building efforts, putting in long hours to create helpful content that inspires others to seek us out.

Our to-do list keeps growing exponentially as more ideas pour out from our minds. We attack each task with a sharp knife, inching closer to what we perceive as the holy grail.

Getting our hands dirty, we promote our work hardcore using tools to spread the word and position ourselves in a market. Never passing up a networking opportunity, we vigorously attempt to connect with anyone that takes a glance at us and rush to influencers at the slightest chance to get our names in front of their eyes.

In the process, are we missing out on opportunities simply because we’re too focused on the work at hand?

Relax. Loosen up. Take a break. Open your Twitter client. Spend some time on Facebook or Linkedin. See what others are doing. Not even when it comes to business, but as real people with real lives. Talk. Interact. Joke around. This is what truly bonds people together and helps build relationships. Not talking ‘shop’. Not incessant self-promotion. Not the bottom line.

You can very well make the same impact on someone simply by sharing a common interest outside of business. You can get your “big break” simply stemming from being the person who’s enjoyable to ‘chill’ with.

In a world where so many people can be connected to one another easily, the ability to network has never been more important than it is right now. How are you taking advantage of the opportunity to make an impact? Simply using the tools for work, work, work like most are? Or can you make yourself stand out more by connecting with others as real people?

Put away the business proposal. I’m not interested.

Put away your latest published book. I’m not interested.

Put away everything. Let’s just hang out. Who’s with me?

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Participating on internet discussion forums in your niche can be a valuable tool for marketing your blog. Unfortunately, many bloggers take this approach too literally and come across way too strong in their efforts to promote themselves. For those who understand the philosophy in social media (being part of the conversation and not a megaphone), the rules for interaction on forums isn’t much different at all. It’s about building trust over a period of time, sharing useful information and contributing with well thought out responses that inspire others to participate in the discussion.

“But how then do I become part of the elite clique right away and get known throughout the community?”

If you want a quicker path to success – one sure fire way to get noticed is by promoting your blog seemingly every other thread regardless of the context or relevance of the topic at hand. This is especially true if all you do is post blog links and nothing else. Oh, and make sure to have a signature that scrolls for 800 pixels and can cause a blind bat seizures. I guarantee you within a week, you’ll be the talk of the town. Sure, they’ll all be making fun of you, using your name as a verb in replacement of the word “spam” – but isn’t that what the end-goal is in branding? like Xerox or Google!

“A whole week? Isn’t there anything I can do to get tons of people to my super awesome blog within a day?”

Absolutely. This is exactly why private message systems on forums were invented – so you can talk to members behind the administrator’s back (that no-good spam nazi!) and convince them your blog is so much more worthy of their time than this boring website. My only suggestion is to prepare a comeback for when the moderators see that your PM box takes up 1.3 gigabytes of space after sending everyone your exclusive one-of-a-kind eBook. Don’t worry, just tell them you pressed the wrong button by accident… 284 times.

“That still seems so time-consuming… any one-post wonder type solutions?”

Yes, of course. I should have told you this from the beginning. It just takes four words in your blog link’s anchor text:

Megan. Fox. Naked. Photos. ‘Nuff said.

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