I’m going to try to sell you something in this post.

Something that you likely don’t really need, want or even care about. But I will still dress it up as if it’s the solution to all your problems.

Hopefully, this will hit some emotional nerve that will magically force you to make a rash decision you will later regret. But of course, you will keep that regret to yourself since it would expose you to the world as a total dumbass.

But you are. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for.

First I must mesmerize you with an eye catching headline.

One that addresses a key benefit of my product, yet greatly inflates the actual result you’ll achieve when applying it.

How about…

Explode your pathetic blog with a massive money shot of traffic splooge and make your reader’s balls fly off in an hysterical avalanche of gushing laugh juice!

Now that I have you hooked in, I have to find your pain point. Something you’ve been struggling with immensely that I can exploit for my own personal gain. Whether or not my product actually solves this problem is irrelevant.

I’m a marketer, not a miracle worker, right?

Have you ever woken up thinking today will be the day you’ll finally end it all?
Are you tired of editing your suicide note with a new date, only to have to do it again the next day?
Do you know how to tie a noose like an expert but just don’t have a pipe high enough to hang yourself from?

Now that I’ve found the pain point of many of my readers (as you must be suicidal to come to my blog on a regular basis), I must now show why the remedy to all your failings as a human being is being kept from you. That I somehow have gained the super secret knowledge of the gods and will be revealing it to you against the better judgement of all of humanity.

Of course, you would think that I could profit more by keeping these secrets under lock and key using it only for my benefit. But my purpose is greater than that. In fact, I’m only sharing this mysticism because after releasing this product, I am retiring from the earth to the netherworld never to be seen again. That is, until version 2.0 comes out next year.

Yes, even though these are highly sensitive advanced secret techniques used by the gods, I must let you know that they’re as simple as shit. So simple, even your dumbass can do it.

In fact, it’s so easy that even the fake people in my testimonials could do it. C’mon, if fictional characters made up in my sadistic mind could accomplish these feats, it’ll be a piece of cake for you as a real person.

Learn the ancient art of writing funny gut-busting blog posts!
A foolproof system Greek philosophers have kept hidden on buried temple scrolls for 3000 years!
Translated for you in an simple 5-step blueprint even a comatose illiterate can understand and profit from!

Now that I’ve wet your appetite and given you a unnecessary sense of loss, it’s time to bombard you with social proof.

Somehow I have to show you the millions of people achieving unparalleled success with my super awesome blog post writing formula. This is supposed to make you feel more comfortable handing over your money, since if there are tons of other dumbasses who got duped, you won’t feel as bad when you see no results from this overpriced purchase.

Of course, I can’t use actual testimonials. There are none. The only e-mails I’ve received are from those who bought my products previously who have cursed the living shit out of me for producing such garbage. So I’ll just do a little creative editing to highlight the key parts of their correspondence that make my product seem awesome enough to cure cancer.

“I’ve made myself clear more than three times that I want my money back. Thanks for nothing, asshole. I can imagine you don’t give two shits, but by simply ignoring me, I’ll just continue following your scammy ass wherever you go so I can stick this blueprint up your fucking ass.”

Ok, now that you’ve seen a quote from one of my happy customers, it’s time to vomit out exactly what it is you’re going to waste your money on. This will always be displayed inside of what’s known as a “Johnson box”.

Why is it called this, you might ask? Well, it’s because it’s the point of the page where while you’re reading it, I’m sitting at home waving my big ass Johnson at you. All while laughing maniacally at how easily you can be persuaded to take an action simply by placing text inside of a square of dotted lines.

But wait, there’s more! This is supposed to be where I show you 742 other valueless things you get included with this already worthless product. But I won’t bog you down with even more material you’ll fail to actually utilize since this was purely an impulse buy on your part from the get-go. I’ll do even better though. I’m going to double your order!

That’s right, folks. You will get two copies of this purely digital product. Yes, I know you can easily duplicate an mp4 file to your hearts content on your computer – but isn’t it always true that the copy never really lives up to the quality of the original? Now you can have one for your house… and one for your car!

Now that I’m coming to the end of my sales pitch, there’s only one way to wrap it all up. A big fat “add to cart” button.

Never mind the fact that I don’t sell any other products. Never mind the fact that there’s no other option to add any further things to your order. It may just be that my product is filled with just so much damn awesomeness that it’s the only item that can fit into your imaginary pointless virtual shopping cart.

Actually, it’s because if I ask you to “buy now”, then you might actually come to your senses that you don’t need this fucking thing at all. I want to make it as painless as possible for you to open up your wallet without you having to take real accountability for your actions.

Adding something to a cart sounds much friendly in nature as if you’re perusing the produce section at the supermarket. Little do you know how similar it is indeed, since you’re essentially paying for a lemon of a product.

P.S. - I didn’t forget the P.S. section of my sales pitch.

P.P.S. - This is where I remind you again of all the enormous non-value you’re going to get from my product.

P.P.P.S - This is where I make one last ditch attempt at convincing you not to click away.

P.P.P.P.S - At this point, you’ve clicked off this page so it doesn’t matter what I write here anyways.

P.P.P.P.P.S - Seriously, though. This is a real product. That part isn’t a joke. So please buy my shit!

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Of the many entrepreneurs I met at BlogWorld last year, one that definitely stood out was Chris Ducker. A genuinely funny dude in his own right, here’s an interview he did with me there for his Virtual Business Lifestyle blog.

Among other things, we discuss the importance of social media in building a personal brand, why you must stand out from the crowd from the get-go, the difference of being part of a niche and “owning” it, and whether web video is the future of content.

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1. How To Write A Funny Blog Post
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Chris Brogan has talked a lot on his blog about what it takes to be an overnight success. While I appreciate his candor, I think he’s only speaking to a very small demographic that has the chops to make it happen. What about the rest of us who, despite our pathetic attempts at becoming a super awesome social media uber-guru, will never reach those heights… or even 20 unique visitors to our blog? (fingers crossed!) Has Chris forgotten about the little people who exalt him as their savior while they do the complete opposite of what he says?

Well, I’ll speak for you then! For the tens of thousands of wanna-be blogging ninjas and internet rockstars. For the hundreds upon hundreds of fake experts who regurgitate fast-food content and auto-follow their way up on Twitter to boost their worthless self-esteem.

For you, the affiliate marketer who couldn’t sell a blind man a new pair of eyes. For you, the membership site wizard who sells membership site subscriptions to discuss membership sites with people looking to sell membership sites on membership sites. For you, the teenage “living the life” entrepreneurs who still rely on mom and dad’s allowance to pay hosting costs. For you, Blogspot users.

For everyone out there who still has $98.64 to go before receiving their first Adsense check. For everyone out there who networks so poorly, even Tom on MySpace isn’t your friend. For everyone out there who wants to be an overnight success, but knows deep down in their heart that they’re a failure!

Let’s show all the six-figure entrepreneurs making money online that our job takes a lot of hard work too! It’s difficult putting in 45 minutes a day in between watching every episode of Lost (again!) and working as the Clucky’s Chicken advertising mascot! It’s difficult to write about what you know when your “passion” is dropping roofies at high school house parties! It’s difficult to be an overnight success when you don’t even know that “overnight” is only one word!

I will speak for you, my children. What does it take to be an overnight failure?

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3. Top 10 Failed URL Shortener Spinoffs

Franz Liszt was a Hungarian composer, virtuoso pianist and teacher. He was renowned throughout Europe during the 19th century and said by his contemporaries to have been the most technically advanced pianist of his age. As a composer, he left behind a huge and diverse body of work, in which he influenced his forward-looking contemporaries and anticipated some 20th-century ideas and trends… one of which was social media.

That’s right! Liszt was one of the most prominent representatives of the “Neue deutsche Schule von Bloggen Fachleuten” where he cultivated the next generation of “Soziale Mediengurus” in the conceptual art of branding.

Considered by many as the Nostradamus of internet marketing, his teachings and techniques were spurned by peers as having no measurable “Kehren Sie auf Investition zurück”. While contemporaries were off creating short 30 second pieces of music for sale during letter opening (Ring tönt as it was called), Liszt did not charge students for lessons whatsoever – the first recorded evidence of the power of “free”. (note: 160 years before Chris Anderson penned the idea.)

Of course though, as a forward-thinking marketer, Liszt offered his students little technical advice, expecting them to “wash their dirty linen at home,” as he phrased it. The “freemium” model, therefore, was born. Instead, he focused on musical interpretation with a combination of anecdote, metaphor and wit. (note: 160 years before Seth Godin penned the idea.)

Liszt also wanted to avoid creating carbon copies of himself, but after his death, was unable to control the countless students of his work from “scraping” his content relentlessly. Hans von Bülow was the most notable “Seien wollen Sie”. Notoriously tactless, Bülow alienated many musicians with whom he worked. He was dismissed from his Zürich job for this reason, but at the same time he was beginning to win renown for his ability to conduct new and complex works without a score. (note: 160 years before Gary Vaynerchuk penned the idea.)

Unfortunately, Liszt’s contributions in the field of social media marketing has been minimized by bloggers worldwide. With his most notable compositions: “6 Hungarian Rhapsodies”, “8 Variations on a Waltz” and “14 Years of Pilgrimage”, the often-used form of link bait was originated. The Liszt Post.

Predictions & Quotes Made by Franz Liszt on Social Media

His prediction on the state of the blogosphere:
A person of any mental quality has ideas of his own. This is common sense.

His thoughts about marketing through social media channels:
I find little in the works of Beethoven, Berlioz, Wagner and others when they are led by a conductor who functions like a windmill.

His rudimentary founding of the keys to search engine optimization:
Brahms’ Variations are better than mine, but mine were written before his.

His ideology about being part of the community as an “agent zero”:
The principal task of a conductor is not to put himself in evidence but to disappear behind his functions as much as possible. We are pilots, not servants.

His first draft of the now-punchy cliche – “content is king”:
A theatre receives recognition through its initiative, which is indispensable for first-rate performances.

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Now that Google has officially entered the URL shortening game, it’s put into threat many of the countless other services that are struggling to remain relevant in this space. Will goo.gl crush all it opposes or will their competitors rely solely on differentiation? That users will prefer random letters made into cute words they don’t pay attention to whatsoever anyways?

I figure this would be a good time to reflect on the ‘heyday’ of URL shortening – when anyone with $10 and a game of Boggle could launch a multi-million dollar business! We can obviously see the results of this gold rush now, but let’s also take a look at the ones that didn’t quite make it… ones that never lived up to their potential or may have been too bold, too soon.

I present you with the list of the Top 10 Failed URL Shortener Spinoffs of all-time:

facetio.us

A spinoff of the now defunct faceto.us aimed at sharing humorous links. Coming in at a whopping double digit number of characters, company went under after web users thought they were “just kidding”.

biCurio.us

A sub-brand of curio.us aimed at users who want to share links, but aren’t sure which social media platform they lean towards.

DigBig.as

Created as a collaborative project between just.as and DigBig as a shortener exclusively for fans of Sir Mix-a-Lot.

is.god

The religious right wing of is.gd branded as “the moral way to shorten”. When questioned that their web address contains an invalid top-level domain name, the company creators stated “it all comes down to faith that the Lord will get you there”.

fire.me

The merger of fire.to and bloat.me was destined for success… until most users who were found clicking on their links were subsequently fired for spending too much time at work on Twitter.

shur.ly

Why did shurl.net go out of business? A 47 year-old loner obsessed with the movie Airplane! thought it was cute to purchase this domain name… then launch a “don’t call it Shirley” campaign against the company.

bacn.il

The eccentric founders of bacn.me attempted to expand into the lucrative Middle Eastern market without realizing most of their users couldn’t click on their links for religious reasons.

MooUrl.in

Same fate as above for this MooURL spinoff.

clit.ly

In the attempt to compete with the popular bit.ly, the downfall came early when female bloggers saw that all male visitors were getting 404 “not found” pages.

fuck.it

A rich entrepreneur paid $10 million from the Italian porn industry for domain name to compete against hurl.it. As a monetization method, approximately 3% of the shortened links take you to advertisements, spam & malware. Directed at the gambler inside all of us, the service’s tagline was “A viral video or a virus? C’mon, fuck it!”

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