Having an mailing list of any size, promoting the most valuable affiliate products and producing the best exclusive content really doesn’t matter unless the subscribers actually open their e-mail. So, what can you do to increase this rate?

The subject line of your e-mail is the most important, if not the only factor in whether the messages are opened frequently or not. Should it be short or long? Should it be conversational or informational? Who cares? All that matters is that dumb people open it and take action. (and we all know dumb people click on links)

To help you out, I’ve compiled my list of the top 10 most effective subject lines for any campaign. Feel free to cut and paste them for your own use – get results from your next e-mail list blast!

10. Please don’t open this e-mail.

9. Your bank account has been credited $100.

8. Fwd: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: (first name)

7. Don’t blame me – You opted in for this shit.

6. Your GayDate.com invite has been sent to your Facebook friends.

5. Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam.

4. You mean a lot to us, subscriber #38741.

3. New private message from Darren Rowse.

2. I use Aweber, so I know you got this.

1. (first name), you’re the father.

Do you have any more “effective” subject lines to increase the open rate?

Of course you need them! You should have known that answer already. Every internet marketer known to man has proclaimed that e-mail converts and they’re absolutely right. But no one knows why except for the talking gerbil that lives inside of John Chow’s sock drawer. Fortunately, I have been given an exclusive interview with the remarkably rich rodent and am bringing you the inside scoop!

Q: I only have 12 minutes left to write this post, so let’s cut to the chase. Why does e-mail convert?

A: It’s all because of dumb people, Jordan. All because of them. Do you realize it’s the largest demographic of people in the world?

Q: What do you mean, Harold? (that’s his name, by the way)

A: You and me, we’re smart and savvy. We know technology. We know what RSS is. We don’t use Internet Explorer. We’re regularly on Twitter and more importantly, we know when people are full of shit. Dumb people don’t, so that’s why we market to them.

Q: Yeah, I read that in the $497 two-page eReport I bought from your website.

A: You’ve done your research then… oh also, dumb people like e-mail! Can you believe that? They like it because it’s the only thing about the internet they know how to use. So why not send them a message posing as their best friend from high school? It’s even more effective when you send them vague anchor text like “click here”. Dumb people click on links.

Q: Great point, but shouldn’t targeted search engine traffic with Adwords do more for you anyways?

A: Of course, that’s a big part of our scam. But there’s only so much focus you can draw out of dumb people’s short attention span. Don’t you notice sales pages only give you the option to “buy now” and nothing else to click?

Q: Yeah, that’s definitely something I see. Is that because of dumb people?

A. Yup. Too many links.

Q: Harold, thanks for taking the time out to share your secrets of internet marketing success.

A: No problem, man. Now can you help me get this Asian guy out of my damn house?

The centerpiece of his “hilariously shocking” rant focuses around David Risley and his recent video post When Comments Begin To HURT Your Blogging Success. Putting the actual issue aside, I think Allyn’s post and blog makes for a great case study (because everyone loves case studies, right?) into the field of comedy, entertainment and editorial commentary.

Why is defining the status of targets in your opinionated editorials important?

• It gives you the proper insight into how your audience will view you.
• It determines how effective you will be achieving the desired reaction from your audience.
• Failure to do so can turn an interesting, valid point of view into being perceived as mudslinging or insults.

Obviously, Allyn Hane doesn’t appear to take any of this into account before recording the verbal vomit that spews from his mouth. From what I gather and perceive, his opinions are completely lost when he does nothing more than cheap shock shtick that appeals to 8th graders and those people who need to put someone else down in order to make themselves feel high and mighty.

It’s horribly unfunny. It has virtually no wit whatsoever. Allyn comes across as arrogant, full of himself, a frat-boy type who boasts about his alcohol tolerance, how great his ‘bitchin’ ride is with its new rims and generally someone who just wants attention in this blogging space to make up for the lack of it in the “real world”. (a term he uses often on his blog)

As examples in this “case study”, check out some of his past videos:

• Red Shoe Bloggers Are Really Just Mad Hatters: Problogger is Full Of Sh*t

This video is where Allyn calls Problogger.com a “gay ass forum” and calls the content on ProBlogger nothing more that “bullshit fluff”. He then makes fun of a “noob” girl’s guest post there (yet says he’s not attacking her in any way) as well as one by Leo Babauta at Zen Habits – minimizing Ally’s own valid SEO viewpoints by reducing it to nearly two minutes of a horrible Indian accent in mockery of the writer’s ethnicity.

• Quit Your Bitching And Learn To Build A List Outside Of MMO You Bastards

This video is where Allyn spends an inordinate amount of time making fun of commenters on another person’s blog using horribly unfunny impressions of foreign accents. He then rants on those that complain about getting MMO offers in their e-mail by communicating his message by way of a deaf, retarded person. Of course, before ending it with “quit your f’ing bitching, you dumbass!”

Now, back to Allyn’s most recent post where he calls out David Risley as well as any A-list blogger for not interacting with their readers regularly enough. He backs up a similar sentiment made by Sire at Wassup Blog on the subject and says that conversing with your potential customers is paramount – unlike Risley’s claim that interacting too much can actually hurt your business by lacking the time to create compelling content.
…building a business means building customers. REALIZE THIS: someone who takes time to comment on your “social” blog is giving you what we call a “buying sign” …meaning they are on the verge of making a purchase, all you have to do is add in a feature and a benefit (like replying to a comment on the blog) and then CLOSE!
- Allyn Hane
Taking Allyn’s viewpoint into account, I’d now like to present you with brand new edition of…

Practice What You Preach: When Hypocrisy Attacks!

In this episode, I go on the road and visit Allyn Hane’s outposts in the social media landscape. I take a look at how he conducts himself when it comes to interacting with his community, readers, followers, friends, fans and potential customers of his business endeavors.

Nearly 1500 followers @allynpaul has got there. I’m sure it would be highly beneficial to connect with these potential customers, but apparently Allyn has failed to do so. Only one @reply this past month and it’s pretty much based around a hashtag seemingly created to self-promote his beer business. The rest of Allyn’s messages are mostly self-centered in nature – either to push a new piece of content or just to talk about himself. I’m sure his 1,467 “potential customers” must really appreciate the constant lack of interaction!

Nevermind the fact Allyn’s @BigBeerBlog only has 64 followers, it’s still probably important that he connects with these “customers” on a deeper level. Hmmm… 9 tweets in nearly 4 months… and they’re virtually all pushing his own content. Oh, wait! There’s an @reply in there somewhere… it’s a late reply thanking someone for a retweet. I’m sure it was just because Allyn was concentrating more of his interactions on another platform…

I guess I was wrong. At least Allyn apologized for not conversing with his “customers” for a good whole month. Plus he shared a recommendation for a Make Money Online blogger… even though half his blog posts seem to scream “don’t listen to any of those internet marketers!”

It’s nice to see that Allyn has apologized yet again for not being responsive enough at replying to comments on his Facebook fan wall. It’s because he didn’t know how to actually find them! That makes sense… a blogger who rants about internet marketing in the landscape of social media and how it’s imperative to connect with your customers doesn’t have a clue how to do so. Nothing new here.

That’s ok, Allyn. I’m sure you were just busy working on content for your niche sites that are actually bringing in money as a business. Wait a minute… isn’t that exactly what David Risley is doing? Spending more time creating media & materials for interested customers instead of focusing on replying to comments and interacting regularly with his reader community… you know, working on the tangible assets that actually bring cash in to support the family!

I must admit though, Allyn is very good at responding to comments on his own blog. Apparently, communicating with potential “customers” only applies when they come to him. We all know that social media is all about me, me, me, right? To give him some credit, I’ve also seen him around on occasion commenting on other’s blogs… but I’m not sure how genuine they are since this SEO-proponent self to a cult-like degree actively boasts that he’s “just building backlinks, it’s the shiz!”.

To further bring out the hypocrisy in Allyn’s behavior and his recent post… he doesn’t mention that David Risley though, used Backtype to find another blogger’s post that brought up his namesake and then went there (to his “potential customers”) and got involved with the conversation. Not for backlinks. Not to pitch anything or talk about himself incessantly, but to do exactly what Allyn claims he doesn’t do – interact with the community.

Unfortunately, Allyn probably doesn’t have much experience with this since apparently no one is talking about him anywhere anyways. Maybe that’s why he needs to resort to blatantly obvious link baiting post titles and calling everyone more successful than him a “fuckface” or a “douchebag” – or making up for his own lack of talent by using immature frat-boy humor and “shock” tactics to get people to pay attention to him at all costs.

What can we all learn from this case study of Allyn Hane?

First and foremost, as I’ve said recently about how the small fry always loses – you really have to do your due diligence before slinging mud at people.

But back to the main point, you must be able to define who or what the target is and weigh that into your considerations on how to approach a piece of editorial content. Your opinion and message can be considerably skewed and taken much differently than intended solely on how you’re perceived in the presentation of it. What you think of as “funny” or “outrageous” may be thought of by readers as anywhere from offensive to completely abusive.

A-list bloggers can definitely be fair game as being targets “above” the audience, but if you’re going with a “man of the people” approach, you can’t also make fun of those who reside “below” or at the line. You must consider your relative status in comparison to the subjects at hand as well as your relative status to the audience. The direction in which the target lies in the scope of your viewpoint will determine the most effective way of getting your point across. Without keeping this in mind, it’s possible that a very interesting idea that can open up great discussion will be lost in between your poor attempts to “spice things up” or shock others.

And I think Allyn Hane definitely has some valid opinions that I happen to agree with in some capacity. I just wish he’d try to grow up with his taste in humor, either by focusing on the joke itself and making it more clever, sarcastic or subtle… or at least stop making the butt of all of his “jokes” people that are looked at below the level of him and the audience.

Are you taking the status of your targets into account before you write an opinionated editorial or humor piece?

Well, I’ll speak for you then! For the tens of thousands of wanna-be blogging ninjas and internet rockstars. For the hundreds upon hundreds of fake experts who regurgitate fast-food content and auto-follow their way up on Twitter to boost their worthless self-esteem.

For you, the affiliate marketer who couldn’t sell a blind man a new pair of eyes. For you, the membership site wizard who sells membership site subscriptions to discuss membership sites with people looking to sell membership sites on membership sites. For you, the teenage “living the life” entrepreneurs who still rely on mom and dad’s allowance to pay hosting costs. For you, Blogspot users.

For everyone out there who still has $98.64 to go before receiving their first Adsense check. For everyone out there who networks so poorly, even Tom on MySpace isn’t your friend. For everyone out there who wants to be an overnight success, but knows deep down in their heart that they’re a failure!

Let’s show all the six-figure entrepreneurs making money online that our job takes a lot of hard work too! It’s difficult putting in 45 minutes a day in between watching every episode of Lost (again!) and working as the Clucky’s Chicken advertising mascot! It’s difficult to write about what you know when your “passion” is dropping roofies at high school house parties! It’s difficult to be an overnight success when you don’t even know that “overnight” is only one word!

I will speak for you, my children. What does it take to be an overnight failure?