I’m going to try to sell you something in this post.

Something that you likely don’t really need, want or even care about. But I will still dress it up as if it’s the solution to all your problems.

Hopefully, this will hit some emotional nerve that will magically force you to make a rash decision you will later regret. But of course, you will keep that regret to yourself since it would expose you to the world as a total dumbass.

But you are. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for.

First I must mesmerize you with an eye catching headline.

One that addresses a key benefit of my product, yet greatly inflates the actual result you’ll achieve when applying it.

How about…

Explode your pathetic blog with a massive money shot of traffic splooge and make your reader’s balls fly off in an hysterical avalanche of gushing laugh juice!

Now that I have you hooked in, I have to find your pain point. Something you’ve been struggling with immensely that I can exploit for my own personal gain. Whether or not my product actually solves this problem is irrelevant.

I’m a marketer, not a miracle worker, right?

Have you ever woken up thinking today will be the day you’ll finally end it all?
Are you tired of editing your suicide note with a new date, only to have to do it again the next day?
Do you know how to tie a noose like an expert but just don’t have a pipe high enough to hang yourself from?

Now that I’ve found the pain point of many of my readers (as you must be suicidal to come to my blog on a regular basis), I must now show why the remedy to all your failings as a human being is being kept from you. That I somehow have gained the super secret knowledge of the gods and will be revealing it to you against the better judgement of all of humanity.

Of course, you would think that I could profit more by keeping these secrets under lock and key using it only for my benefit. But my purpose is greater than that. In fact, I’m only sharing this mysticism because after releasing this product, I am retiring from the earth to the netherworld never to be seen again. That is, until version 2.0 comes out next year.

Yes, even though these are highly sensitive advanced secret techniques used by the gods, I must let you know that they’re as simple as shit. So simple, even your dumbass can do it.

In fact, it’s so easy that even the fake people in my testimonials could do it. C’mon, if fictional characters made up in my sadistic mind could accomplish these feats, it’ll be a piece of cake for you as a real person.

Learn the ancient art of writing funny gut-busting blog posts!
A foolproof system Greek philosophers have kept hidden on buried temple scrolls for 3000 years!
Translated for you in an simple 5-step blueprint even a comatose illiterate can understand and profit from!

Now that I’ve wet your appetite and given you a unnecessary sense of loss, it’s time to bombard you with social proof.

Somehow I have to show you the millions of people achieving unparalleled success with my super awesome blog post writing formula. This is supposed to make you feel more comfortable handing over your money, since if there are tons of other dumbasses who got duped, you won’t feel as bad when you see no results from this overpriced purchase.

Of course, I can’t use actual testimonials. There are none. The only e-mails I’ve received are from those who bought my products previously who have cursed the living shit out of me for producing such garbage. So I’ll just do a little creative editing to highlight the key parts of their correspondence that make my product seem awesome enough to cure cancer.

“I’ve made myself clear more than three times that I want my money back. Thanks for nothing, asshole. I can imagine you don’t give two shits, but by simply ignoring me, I’ll just continue following your scammy ass wherever you go so I can stick this blueprint up your fucking ass.”

Ok, now that you’ve seen a quote from one of my happy customers, it’s time to vomit out exactly what it is you’re going to waste your money on. This will always be displayed inside of what’s known as a “Johnson box”.

Why is it called this, you might ask? Well, it’s because it’s the point of the page where while you’re reading it, I’m sitting at home waving my big ass Johnson at you. All while laughing maniacally at how easily you can be persuaded to take an action simply by placing text inside of a square of dotted lines.

But wait, there’s more! This is supposed to be where I show you 742 other valueless things you get included with this already worthless product. But I won’t bog you down with even more material you’ll fail to actually utilize since this was purely an impulse buy on your part from the get-go. I’ll do even better though. I’m going to double your order!

That’s right, folks. You will get two copies of this purely digital product. Yes, I know you can easily duplicate an mp4 file to your hearts content on your computer – but isn’t it always true that the copy never really lives up to the quality of the original? Now you can have one for your house… and one for your car!

Now that I’m coming to the end of my sales pitch, there’s only one way to wrap it all up. A big fat “add to cart” button.

Never mind the fact that I don’t sell any other products. Never mind the fact that there’s no other option to add any further things to your order. It may just be that my product is filled with just so much damn awesomeness that it’s the only item that can fit into your imaginary pointless virtual shopping cart.

Actually, it’s because if I ask you to “buy now”, then you might actually come to your senses that you don’t need this fucking thing at all. I want to make it as painless as possible for you to open up your wallet without you having to take real accountability for your actions.

Adding something to a cart sounds much friendly in nature as if you’re perusing the produce section at the supermarket. Little do you know how similar it is indeed, since you’re essentially paying for a lemon of a product.

P.S. - I didn’t forget the P.S. section of my sales pitch.

P.P.S. - This is where I remind you again of all the enormous non-value you’re going to get from my product.

P.P.P.S - This is where I make one last ditch attempt at convincing you not to click away.

P.P.P.P.S - At this point, you’ve clicked off this page so it doesn’t matter what I write here anyways.

P.P.P.P.P.S - Seriously, though. This is a real product. That part isn’t a joke. So please buy my shit!

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In my recent consulting with several comedians looking to build an online presence, I’ve heard three of them utter virtually the same exact line to me when talking about goals:

“I want to get a million views on YouTube.”

With all excitement in their eyes, hoping that I can unveil the magic bullet secret to achieving the success they’re shooting for, I gave them practically a 180 degree answer that throws them for a total loop:

“I don’t know about you, but my landlord doesn’t take YouTube hits for rent.”

Sure, it may make you feel all warm inside when your stupid video goes “viral” and amasses 600,000 views in a week. But that and a $1.50 buys you a cup of coffee.

Even if you’re not a comedian or not utilizing video, you can easily substitute website traffic in its place. Every time I hear people feverishly asking how to get more traffic, more eyeballs, more tweets, more Facebook likes, I put my head in my hands and give out a disgusted sigh. Why? Because unless you have a means to convert whatever you’re doing into money, then what does it matter?

Whenever I follow up this deer-in-the-headlights conversation with someone, it always comes back to one thing: a business model.

What exactly is your plan for earning income from people, not viewers?
Are you selling something directly? (a product, DVD, eBook, etc.)
Are you leveraging exposure for indirect income opportunities? (live performances, consulting gigs, etc.)

Inevitably, the conversation turns to the ad-based model of monetization. I don’t know how people estimate the income made on a typical CPM basis without having any experience with it, but all I know is that 99.9% of who I speak to grossly overestimate it – as if these viral video sensations are pulling in $10k a day from overlays, text link ads and so forth. I’ve been a YouTube partner and know others who are as well – and one single video with a million views will barely pay for a night’s dinner for two.

One comedian I’m friends with here in Louisville actually has a bunch of YouTube videos with a 6-7 figure viewership and consistently publishes content that hits 5 figures easily. And I find it completely ridiculous when he calls me up excited about the $9 he made today, $17 yesterday and $300 approximate expected earnings for the month. This is what I told him, pretty much:

“Dude, you got over a million individual people to watch you this month. Don’t you think 300 lousy bucks in return is total shit for that amount of exposure and attention? You get paid 5-10 times that for one 45 minute live performance in front of a hundred people – and you sell a DVD to 5% of them for $20 afterwards…”

“…now superimpose that to your YouTube channel. You perform at a comedy club knowing that some of the people there will buy your DVD, right? But imagine that instead of 200 people being there, you have a MILLION butts in those seats. How much money would you make off of DVD sales then? Probably so much that you’d be happy to do the gig itself for absolutely free. So why the hell are you getting so excited about making $300 after performing virtually in front of that many people?”

And that there is the point. There’s no purpose in generating traffic without the means of converting eyeballs into dollars.

Ad-based income streams usually need a lot of traffic for a good living.
Direct sales income need as much traffic as compared to your price point/markup.
Indirect income streams usually don’t need much traffic whatsoever.

Could your online presence be something you’re building up to monetize? Sure – but have a fucking plan. Your exact business model will determine how much traffic you’d need to reach your goals. You may find that a bajillion hits is unnecessary – and even if you get that much, remember that they alone don’t pay the bills.

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A great little documentary was just released by Pokerstars about Randy Lew, one of their newest “pro” team members. I remember playing on tables with him there about 4-5 years ago and his success story is no surprise to me whatsoever.

Started small. Refined his game. Moved up slowly.
Refined his game some more with adding more tables.
Then scaled up dramatically once reaching optimal profitability.

This is especially telling since it bucks the typical trend of almost every high-limit poker star competing today – who usually builds his/her bankroll through huge tournament scores and/or backing agreements. They can be at the top of the world one month and then by the end of the year be completely broke. Hmm… this sure sounds like Silicon Valley, doesn’t it?

Nanonoko succeeded because value, infrastructure and metrics were prioritized over scale. There was no VC funding to cover operational costs in case his “business model” of playing was unprofitable. In order to move up limits, add extra tables and reach 6-7 figure income, he had to show a profit through his methods on a small scale first. From there, scaling up is a piece of cake.

Sure, this “grinding” form of business isn’t sexy. It’s not covered in Fast Company as a hot startup. The business likely won’t even be noticed during the first few years of its development. But it’ll make money from day one. It’ll scale. It will eventually be worth multi-millions.

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A common aphorism is that “nice guys finish last.”

Typically used in the context of dating, it’s been seen countless times with women being drawn more towards the stereotypical “bad boy” while giving a perfectly polite, respectful & unselfish man the cold shoulder. The phrase has almost become a cult-like anthem of sensitive types to wallow in their own self-pity.

These lost souls go out on date after date and find themselves in the same position over and over again.

They bring flowers. They hold the door open. They choose a great restaurant and foot the bill. They even might have awesome conversation while walking down the boardwalk on a spectacular night.

After all of this, the women gives him a small peck on the cheek, a promise for a second date… and the next day fucks the guy with the biggest dick.

How many times have you heard women bemoan the fact there are no “nice guys” anymore, yet still get into relationships time and time again with complete assholes? Why? Even she doesn’t know. Maybe it’s what she thinks she wants, when all she might really truly want is a guy with a huge cock. It’s a means to an end. That’s it.

And so has this been the case for many bloggers.

You write blog posts every day. You engage with your audience. You elicit comments and respond promptly with appreciation. You network with others, support people and share the limelight without question. You put everyone else’s needs over your own on a regular basis.

Yet you’ve gotten absolutely nowhere. No money. No traffic. No success.

Although in contrast, you see countless others who don’t engage much, don’t respond to comments, don’t share many links and don’t seem to show any public appreciation whatsoever to their audience – and they have traffic numbers off the roof making 6 figures with their online business.

So you think to yourself “what the fuck is going on here?” You make a vow to combat this by out-caring everyone in your niche. You write even more blog posts. You start giving away even more content. You start webcasts, podcasts, live streams, Twitter chats, retweet clubs, guest posts, blog networks, link shares, contests, gift giveaways and everything you can possibly do outside of painting people’s houses.

That still gets you absolutely nowhere. No money. No traffic. No success.

Although in contrast, you see another blogger who doesn’t seem to do much offer a single free eBook and it ends up crashing his/her server, generating 500 retweets and 10,000 opt-ins. Everyone is talking about it. Everyone is applauding it.

And you’re still thinking to yourself “what the fuck is going on here?” How could it be that a nice guy like yourself gets kicked to the curb? How could it be that these apparent assholes have no problem attracting people and cashing in on it?

Because they’ve got a bigger dick. They have the goods. You don’t. You’ve got a pencil dick.

They don’t need to be sincere, cordial or even friendly because they have exactly what people really want. A product of value. The knowledge & comfort that it will hit the g-spot each and every time. That’s it.

Sure, many would prefer to deal with “nice guys”, but without having the huge cock in your pants to back up your exterior, it doesn’t matter. They’re going to fuck someone else. No matter how much they claim otherwise, it’s a means to an end.

So what can you do to enlarge your blogging penis?

Build something of real value. Vastly improve what you’re currently producing. Create something that’s so good, people will consume it regardless of how much you engage, solicit, comment, reply, share, promote or appreciate your audience.

Stroke it already and stop spending all your time playing with your balls.

Nice guys finish last. Those who can satisfy their readers’ true desires finish first. It’s possible to be both.

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I’m aware that many bloggers reading this right now don’t watch television at all. Of course not, you’re too busy writing list posts comparing your niche to a popular TV series or a movie character! If I had to suggest one show to check out, though, it would be Dexter.

The Showtime series is based around Dexter Morgan, a serial killer who works as a forensic blood spatter analyst for the police department. Harnessing the darkness inside only to kill those “who deserve it” (primarily other killers), the series shows Dexter trying to balance an everyday life with his secret identity while still appearing normal to all those around him. A very entertaining show in it’s own right, watching Dexter can also teach you a fair bit about blogging. Let’s take a look!

Be aware that the following may contain spoilers, so read at your own peril!

1. Learn the tools of your trade hiding within plain sight.

Freely comment on other’s blogs, engage people on Twitter and generally play nicely with the community. In the process though, absorb their quality content and mooch off their resources as much as possible. It’s not like you have feelings for these bloggers, so who cares if you’re just playing a rouse to get traffic and feeding your darkness?

2. Clean up all evidence of your crimes and leave no witnesses.

Turn your blog into a kill room. Moderate your comments relentlessly and delete those that can show others who you truly are. When in doubt, make your comment section nofollow and dump links on Squidoo, since no one will think of searching there.

3. Jimmy Smits is available for guest posts.

The fact that the former NYPD Blue star chose to play a supporting character for a season on a cable channel obviously shows that he’s desperate for work. Feel free to send him $15 via Paypal and I’m sure he’ll write for your blog.

4. Need help coming up with post ideas? Just talk to your dead father!

He’s the one who gave you the code to live by – the blueprint for ‘killer’ success. Keep him white listed in your spam filter though. He pops up all the time.

5. When you find someone that seems perfect, visit their house. It’s probably a facade.

Every blogger looks up to guys like Darren Rowse and Brian Clark, putting them up on a pedestal as a shining example of what they’d like to become some day. But how much do you really know about them? Visit their house on Thanksgiving and you might find them beating their wife, breaking their son’s fingers while caressing the urn holding their dead sister’s remains.

6. If you get caught lying, pretend you have a drug problem.

No one will fault you then because the blogging community cares deeply about your private life, right? Even if you do get ostracized, publicizing your demons will cause a boatload of self improvement or lifestyle design gurus to come out of the woodwork and attempt to be your savior. If they get too close for your liking, be like Dexter and pin a crime on them!

7. It’s totally okay your wife is dead. That just means you can finally blog in peace!

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The importance of e-mail list subscribers. Do you really need them?

Of course you need them! You should have known that answer already. Every internet marketer known to man has proclaimed that e-mail converts and they’re absolutely right. But no one knows why except for the talking gerbil that lives inside of John Chow’s sock drawer. Fortunately, I have been given an exclusive interview with the remarkably rich rodent and am bringing you the inside scoop!

Q: I only have 12 minutes left to write this post, so let’s cut to the chase. Why does e-mail convert?

A: It’s all because of dumb people, Jordan. All because of them. Do you realize it’s the largest demographic of people in the world?

Q: What do you mean, Harold? (that’s his name, by the way)

A: You and me, we’re smart and savvy. We know technology. We know what RSS is. We don’t use Internet Explorer. We’re regularly on Twitter and more importantly, we know when people are full of shit. Dumb people don’t, so that’s why we market to them.

Q: Yeah, I read that in the $497 two-page eReport I bought from your website.

A: You’ve done your research then… oh also, dumb people like e-mail! Can you believe that? They like it because it’s the only thing about the internet they know how to use. So why not send them a message posing as their best friend from high school? It’s even more effective when you send them vague anchor text like “click here”. Dumb people click on links.

Q: Great point, but shouldn’t targeted search engine traffic with Adwords do more for you anyways?

A: Of course, that’s a big part of our scam. But there’s only so much focus you can draw out of dumb people’s short attention span. Don’t you notice sales pages only give you the option to “buy now” and nothing else to click?

Q: Yeah, that’s definitely something I see. Is that because of dumb people?

A. Yup. Too many links.

Q: Harold, thanks for taking the time out to share your secrets of internet marketing success.

A: No problem, man. Now can you help me get this Asian guy out of my damn house?

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Chris Brogan has talked a lot on his blog about what it takes to be an overnight success. While I appreciate his candor, I think he’s only speaking to a very small demographic that has the chops to make it happen. What about the rest of us who, despite our pathetic attempts at becoming a super awesome social media uber-guru, will never reach those heights… or even 20 unique visitors to our blog? (fingers crossed!) Has Chris forgotten about the little people who exalt him as their savior while they do the complete opposite of what he says?

Well, I’ll speak for you then! For the tens of thousands of wanna-be blogging ninjas and internet rockstars. For the hundreds upon hundreds of fake experts who regurgitate fast-food content and auto-follow their way up on Twitter to boost their worthless self-esteem.

For you, the affiliate marketer who couldn’t sell a blind man a new pair of eyes. For you, the membership site wizard who sells membership site subscriptions to discuss membership sites with people looking to sell membership sites on membership sites. For you, the teenage “living the life” entrepreneurs who still rely on mom and dad’s allowance to pay hosting costs. For you, Blogspot users.

For everyone out there who still has $98.64 to go before receiving their first Adsense check. For everyone out there who networks so poorly, even Tom on MySpace isn’t your friend. For everyone out there who wants to be an overnight success, but knows deep down in their heart that they’re a failure!

Let’s show all the six-figure entrepreneurs making money online that our job takes a lot of hard work too! It’s difficult putting in 45 minutes a day in between watching every episode of Lost (again!) and working as the Clucky’s Chicken advertising mascot! It’s difficult to write about what you know when your “passion” is dropping roofies at high school house parties! It’s difficult to be an overnight success when you don’t even know that “overnight” is only one word!

I will speak for you, my children. What does it take to be an overnight failure?

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The mainstream media always sensationalizes news stories about child predators and pornography on the internet. They seem to urge parents to closely monitor their kid’s computer activity and put up safeguard software to be especially vigilant. Although I’m not a parent myself, I can understand their biological need to protect their offspring from potential harm – but are we doing so at the cost of shielding them from the greatest possible resource tool humankind has ever created?

We’re no longer living in a time where life’s path is cookie-cutter and easy to predict chronologically. In the “old” days, it was about going to college, scoring a great entry-level job at a top company, buying a house with white picket fences, marrying your sweetheart and having 2.5 kids before repeating the process all over again.

If you take a look at this list of young entrepreneurs making money online, it’s easily apparent that the “road less traveled” is becoming more and more standard fare than it once was. Regular blogs that I read for valuable help include Teenius, Blogussion and DaneBlogger which are all run by bloggers who can’t even buy a beer yet in this country! And they’re doing better than me! So why are parents still predominantly raising their kids with a notion that there’s only one path to success?

Looking at problems faced by young entrepreneurs online, it seems like most facets deal with adults who can’t handle the fact that kids are much smarter and savvier nowadays. Children have been given more tools to communicate, more access to information and more freedom to express themselves. Instead of shielding them from the potential pitfalls of this open stream, let’s look to embrace the technology and combine it with their likes, hobbies and passions. Even if it’s a passing flash-of-the-pan activity, you’ll be setting your children up for greater success in the future. This could give them vital experience and skills in an area that can translate well into their eventual choice of study and career.

Parents: What are you doing to get your children involved with their passions?

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